Sweet-Toothed Savages Episode 5

Written by: Paul Holmes

Episode 5

DJ kErNELz 

Steve, “Fudgey Steve” to the peasants on the message board, had accepted Captain Rumguts Radke’s offer of riding aboard the Carn-EVIL Clipper. It seemed Squiffy Planks’ Ketch was content to follow the Clipper regardless of whether Steve was at the helm or not. 

For the first few days, Steve was in a daze. Here he was, no longer following his idols from a distance, with only the occasional interaction. He was actually aboard the Carn-EVIL Clipper itself! Sure, the deck (and almost everything else) was covered in a thick, goopy slime. Naturally, there were odors that occasionally made Steve taste bile when he encountered them, but here he was: Steve mingling with the SweetTooth Savages as if he were one of them.

Initially, he stayed with those he had had dealt with previously: Cotton Candy Randy, and Frostbite Frankie. Captain Radke seemed busy most of the time, and Steve didn’t want to impose on the hospitality. After the first few days, he began to wander further afield. He chatted with the roustabouts, learning how they went about setting up and tearing down the Carnival. From them he learned that at their next stop, the SweetTooth Savages would have them setting up the rides for the first time in a while. Neither Port Linhud in Serpentis, nor Highcliff had had the space needed to set them up. Now, with the troupe heading to Stormgrave, the capitol city of Scorrah, there would be enough space to set up the full carnival for the first time on this tour.

Wheel of Sacrifice, The Decapitator, Tornado of Souls, Vertebreaker. Steve could not wait until he could see them in action!

Day Fifteen.

Steve was wakened from sleep on the relatively gunk-free area on the deck near the door to the Captain’s Quarters he had found to sleep. At first, he was confused as he fought to come awake, but the excited chatter and movement around him forced him to come alert quickly. At first, he couldn’t tell what was happening, but he started hearing snippets of orders and conversations.

“Ori saw it coming!”

“Looks like a big one!”

“Where does it look to be hailing from?”

“Scorrah, with the royal colors!”

Steve rubbed the last of sleep from his eyes and made his way to the portside railing. Off in the distance, a 5-masted ship was turning away from the Carn-EVIL Clipper in a vain hope of losing the pirates and their obscene hobbies.

Eventually, the Clipper drew close enough to catch the painted name on the side of the vessel, “Konigsdottir.” Holy SH*T! This was the Kings daughter, personal vessel of Princess Waenn.

Captain Rumguts Radke cupped his hands around his mouth. “Look sharp, you no-good scum! We’ve a fat bounty within our reach! Let’s go get her!” The Captain then began rapidly moving from place to place on the deck of the Clipper, making sure everyone was ready to do their part.

Somehow, when Steve wasn’t looking, the calliope had manifested on the deck. The skeleton player cracked his knucklebones loudly and began to play a lively carnivalesque tune. The pace of the music grew faster and faster as the Carn-EVIL overtook the Konigsdottir. Men flew about the deck, grabbing weapons and ropes with grappling hooks attached to one end. The hooks were tossed onto the other vessel, and when pulled taught by the roustabouts of the Carn-EVIL, began to pull the Scorran vessel closer to the Clipper. The Captain swung his head around as if he were looking for something.

“DJ,” he bellowed when his eyes lit upon the lanky man leaning over and whispering into the skeleton calliope player’s earhole. “Get your narrow ass over and lead this boarding party! Now!”

DJ patted the skeleton on a boney shoulder and trotted over to the starboard railing. “Don’t worry, Cap. I just needed to get some proper swashbuckling music primed.”

He pulled down his shades and gave the Captain a smirk and a wink. Then, pulling his matching pistols from the holsters at his waist, DJ kErNELz gave them a thoughtless twirl and leapt over to the other ship. “C’mon, boys! You get the bonemen, I’ll handle the rest!”

The calliope let loose with a creepy yet majestic choral vocalization for about 30 seconds before the drums and bass kicked in. “This Corrosion” blasted loudly from an instrument that was only built to make creepy organ-like sounds. 

Steve watched, mouth agape, as DJ kErNELz bounced around the deck of the Konigsdottir like some twisted, clown-faced offspring of a master pf parkour and an Olympic gymnast. The whole time, his guns roared, issuing clouds of sulfurous charcoal and lead death. Each and every bullet that burst from DJ’s guns took the life of a sailor or soldier clad in the green and gold of Scorrah. Steve made himself a promise to check out the trick-shot tent next time the SweetTooth Savages set up to perform. The man was unnaturally skilled.

The roustabouts must’ve known what they were going to be up against, because they had left their blades in their scabbards and were wielding blunt clubs against the surge of animated skeletons that vomited forth from belowdecks. Steve watched a few roustabouts fall to the undead warriors, but soon enough, the deck of the Konigsdottir was littered with fragments of broken bone soaking in the blood and brains of the mortals that DJ kErNELz had dispatched.

In less than 10 minutes, the fight was over, and only men from the Carn-EVIL remained standing.

“DJ!” The Captain bellowed. “Bring her over as untouched as possible. Every bruise is gold left on the table!”

With a casual salute with the barrel of one of his smoking pistols, DJ nodded and kicked in the door to the quarters of the Captain of the Scorran ship. A moment later, two gunshots rang out hollowly from within the cabin.

Moments later, a teenage girl with the blonde hair and blue eyes of the Scorran Royalty emerged from the Captain’s cabin, followed closely by DJ kErNELz who held the barrel of one pistol to her back.

The trick-shot master bowed low, the chili pepper pendant around his neck scraping the deck. “Captain Rumguts Radke, Commander and Surrogate Father Figure to the SweetTooth Savages, may I present Her Highness Princess Waenn, second in line to throne of Scorrah.”

Steve felt Rumguts tighten at the sarcastic introduction given him by DJ, but bit his tongue.

“It is a pleasure and a f***ing honor to have the ‘Konigsdottir’ herself aboard my vessel. It will be an even greater honor once we have a word with ye father, the King about the price he be willing to pay for your return. Unmarked and unsullied, of course.”

The roustabouts swarmed all over the Scorran vessel, grabbing not nailed down that might be of any sort of value whatsoever. DJ escorted the Princess aboard the Carn-EVIL with a gentleness that he still managed to seem sarcastic.

Steve had to give Princess Waenn credit. She took an extended glance at the hem of her dress and her shoes, both covered and likely destroyed by the blood and brains from her ship mixed with the sticky…whatever it was…that covered the Carn-EVIL. “I trust I will be given…sniff…quartering appropriate to a princess, Captain?”

Rumguts chuckled, flipped a wad of sticky syrupy rum to the deck and nodded. “Oh, aye. We’ll set ye up in some fancy pristine quarters…your Highness.”

As Princess Waenn allowed herself to be led away towards the Captains quarters, she glanced over her shoulder at Steve. Obviously out of place amongst these clown-faced madmen. A curious look on her delicate face.