Sweet-Toothed Savages Episode 5.5: Part 2

Written by: Paul Holmes

 

Episode 5.5 Part Two: STEVE (Fudgey Steve to the bandwagoners on the bulletin board)

Steve (Fudgey Steve to the peons on the message board) gave the Princess of Scorrah a moment to digest what he had said. Unfortunately, from the look on her face, his words had hit her like a scorpion pepper. Briefly he wondered if they had scorpion peppers in Skalmarune. 

“WHAT?!?” the angelic princess exclaimed. “A RANSOM?!? Am I nothing more than a piece of offal to be sold at market?!?”

Steve wasn’t exactly certain what ‘offal’ was, but it didn’t sound pleasant.

“NO, nonono,” he said, holding his hands in front of him as if to stop the anger brewing in Waenn’s belly. “Not…’offal’, something of great beauty and worth! Something to be treasured.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew he had said too much. “I mean…something…someONE of extremely valuable worth.”

The silence stretched like a piece of taffy before Princess Waenn finally spoke. “Extreme value? THAT I’ll accept.”

Seconds, minutes crept by as Steve nervously awaited the rest of her thought.

“Only because I don’t desire to see you lose your head. Don’t ask me why. I will give you a few small pieces of advice as to how to present this…offer, to my father.”

 

*A FEW HOURS LATER*

The ketch he had gotten from Squiffy Planks had been enchanted to follow the CARN-Evil Clipper, but after Ori O’Knows, the troupe’s resident seer and all-around magic guy had a look at it, he tied a wad of the Princess’s discarded hem to the prow of the little boat and used that to re-orient the ketch towards Scorrah. Ori handed Steve a piece of paper and a rather moist small pouch. The paper had the words for Steve to say to re-home the ketch on the CARN-Evil, and the pouch contained what could only be described as a gobbet of flesh covered in clown makeup. Steve shuddered and tried to avoid thinking where the flesh had come from.

Soon enough, Steve was sailing east across the large sea that separated the western and eastern continents of Skalmarune. It took four days to make the crossing, but there was enough jerky, hardtack, and watered down rum to sustain him.

At sunset of the fourth day, Steve laid eyes on the nation of Skalmarune, and more importantly, the capitol city of Stormgrave. The sinking sun set forth a burst of gold, green, and purple light illuminating the massive castle sitting atop the hill that overlooked the city. 

Within minutes, he was docked and being escorted by a pair of Scorran royal guards and a dozen skeletal warriors towards the castle. The guard refused to talk to him aside from grunted commands to “move” and “pick up the pace”. The undead soldiers remained silently noncommittal, but Steve was certain that would change in a heartbeat if he did anything dumb. Or rather dumber than what he was already doing.

Crowds of Scorran citizens lined the road leading up the hill to the palace. Apparently, his arrival had been expected somehow, and the people were not happy with him. Sour faces, harsh words, and thrown rotten vegetables greeted him as he passed with his escort.

What the f*ck was I thinking? Of COURSE the people loved their princess. How could they not? With her golden tresses and sapphire eyes. Those lips, and those….. Steve shook his head to clear the thought from his mind. He needed to stay focused.

He was immediately taken to the throne room, and with pressure on his shoulders from both human of the guards, he was forced to his knees. The throne room was visually overwhelming. The floor and walls were made of marble run through with golden veins that sparkled in the light of the sconces illuminating the room. However, Steve had little time to appreciate the sight, because the King of Scorrah cleared his throat like an angry lion before speaking.

“The spirits have given me an understanding that you represent the crew with very poor decision-Making skills who have kidnapped my daughter and scuttled her ship.” King Svein Tjugeskjegg gestured vaguely at the man and woman standing on other side of the throne and a step behind. Both were dressed in hooded robes as black as a starless night. The Necromancers, Steve thought. “Is this correct?” Svein’s voice was low and even, and Steve felt like he had been dropped into the aforementioned lion’s den, and the lion was very pissed off.

Steve barely managed to keep from pissing himself but maintained control of his bladder. Just barely. Showing open hands and moving slowly, he reached into his courier’s satchel and retrieved two folded pieces of paper. Remembering Waenn’s advice, he placed the letter written in her hand on top of the greasy, rum-stained one that Captain Radke had given him.

“Two letters, your Majesty,” Steve said, holding them aloft. “One from the Princess herself, who I assure you remains untouched and unharmed.” At least I hope she still is, Steve thought grimly. “And one from the Captain and Ringleader of the CARN-Evil Clipper and the SweetTooth Savages respectively.”

One of the guards snatched the letters from Steve’s hand and placed them in the King’s hand. Svein opened the topmost letter and scanned it quickly. His eyebrows shot up, and he glanced over the message at Steve. After a moment, he re-read the letter, and his brow furrowed deeply. He glanced up once more at Steve as if assessing him and finding him wanting.

Steve remembered something Waenn had stressed, and he dropped his gaze to the floor, showing obeisance. He heard a guttural “harrumph” and paper rustling and decided to keep his eyes on the floor. The obsidian floor sure was pretty. He would really hate to mess it up by spilling his blood and organs all over it.

“Madmen,” King Svein said softly, then again in a bellow. “They’re absolute MADMEN!”

Steve dared glance up from the floor. The king had shot out of his throne and was waving the stained missive from Captain Radke under the noses of first one then the second Necromancer.”

“MADMEN!!!”

The King rounded on Steve, and the young man felt his stomach fall all the way into his boots. He gulped.

Waving the letter under Steve’s nose, the King continued ranting,” All they want is one hundred gold and the,” he paused and re-read the letter. “The opportunity to perform in celebration of the safe return of Princess Waenn from the perils of the open sea.”

He turned to his Necromancers. “Send a crow to this ‘Captain Rumguts’ and tell him I accept his offer.”

The King leaned over Steve with a predatory grin. “And let him know that his messenger will be awaiting his arrival as a guest of the royal House of Tjugeskjegg.”